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The first fic I might seriously finish is...

2456

Comments

  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-04-25 23:20:27
    [tɕagɛn]
    Sammy: I gotta set up the characters and plot, first!

    Also, what do you think of this small passage? I tried to layer on the snark in my signature style:

    “Then
    don't do things like this again”. He replied. “You'll be summoned
    tommorow. Now go back to work. And please, don't bug me again. I just
    want to drink this wine my secretary brought me.” He took a sip—it
    was flat and tasted about as good as drinking filtered piss through a
    woman's used underwear (a idiom his mother came up with. He usually
    suspected that his mother was partially insane.), but it was
    alchohol. “Thank God I don't have a liver to poison.”

    “You're
    gonna kill yourself.” Marco looked outside. Hell was boring. Mostly
    blood. And screams. And more blood.


    But
    hey, rivers full of gold. That was totally awesome. He always
    collected it, no matter how many times Lilith told him it had no
    value.


    Marco
    wasn't very smart.


    “Better
    to die in the embrace of alcohol than listen to people like you.”
    He took another swig. This stuff better make him drunk fast.


    Lilith
    stood up and bowed. Marco did as well, though only after getting
    kicked in the balls. They decided to exit quickly. Koln was very
    violent when drunk. Given that he was drunk 90% of the time, he was
    also violent 90% of the time. This kind of elementary math was
    quickly grapsed by Lilith, but Marco for some reason was immune to
    the ways of logic and common sense.

    Lilith
    wondered why she had even     met
    the idiot in the first place. He couldn't do anything right, besides
    be an endless thorn in her side. He was a good punching bag, though.
    He wasn't actually that dumb, but he definitely did not show his
    intelligent side that often. He was always too revved up and ready to
    do something incredibly stupid. Like collect gold when gold had no
    value. Or try to drink water when water didn't actually exist in
    Hell. Those kinds of things.

    Logic escaped Marco like sanity escaped Christian Fundamentalists.


    I hope this was a little funnier...


    (why does the formatting always mess up?

  • BobBob
    edited 2011-04-26 21:34:12

    [Comment deleted]



  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Damn. I pulled out all the snark I could with my signature style.

    You must just not jive with my style, I love writing crazy snark like this. No offense intended, I just write in a way that you must not really like that much it seems.
  • SammySammy
    He took a sip—it was flat and tasted about as good as drinking filtered piss through a woman's used underwear (a idiom his mother came up with. He usually suspected that his mother was partially insane.)

    I see.

  • BobBob
    edited 2011-04-26 21:34:23

    [Comment deleted]

  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Sammy: Not sure if you're saying I'm trying to hard or....something.

    Also, Lilith is going be based on the design of Koakuma of Touhou (not a direct copy, but both have the same basic hair color and the head-wings. Lilith is a little more womanly, though, and has different hair and dress). have similarly shaded. Perhaps Marco as well (he's supposed to be a major case of Dude Looks Like A Lady).
  • ViviVivi
    $80+ per session
    I didn't laugh.
  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-04-25 23:30:46
    [tɕagɛn]
    It's not really meant to be laughed at. I intend to make you crack a smile and mildly chuckle, not laugh out loud.

    Damn, why do you guys hate snark so much? Most people love my snark.
  • ViviVivi
    $80+ per session
    Who loves your snark?
  • BobBob
    edited 2011-04-26 21:34:42

    [Comment deleted]
    [Reason: Critique]



  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Most of my readers love how incredibly snarky I am, Vivi, it's usually praised quite a bit. I can make nearly everyone I know laugh.

    Really, this is my signature style. I can't change it.
  • ViviVivi
    $80+ per session
    It's bad. It's just bad. It's worse because we know what humor you are
    trying to create but you tone, style, pacing and the words you use just
    prevent it from coming out that way.
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Oh, whatever. It's the only way I know how to write. The word just flow on the page that way for me.

    My humor is pretty damn good, given how many people I have made laugh with my writing. 

    And I like it, and I will continue to write the way I am comfortable with.

    Don't like it? Don't read it.
  • DYREDYRE
    Then don't be surprised when nobody reads it.
  • BeeBee
    edited 2011-04-25 23:50:15
    Well, I'll admit I'm not really a porn type, but I can get technical for you -- and raunchy content isn't really a reason to just kind of say that stuff doesn't matter.  If anything, it means the pressure is on you even more.

    Comedy in general is tougher than drama because you have to play on a lot of very subtle reactions from the audience -- and they're not necessarily going to be your own.  Dark humor can be taken to pretty staggering levels of brazenness, but in all honesty it's probably the single hardest thing to balance properly, ever, and it's not a good place to start.  Trust me, I tried.  It's physically painful to read in hindsight.

    You've got a lot obligatory swearing going.  Swearing is another thing that can work extremely well if done right, but is very much playing with fire.  A general rule is that dropping more than a couple in several minutes is a sign of either extreme and immediate duress that these conversational moments probably aren't approaching, a subculture in a habit of being up-in-your-grill intimidating (gangs or military come to mind), or junior high level novelty that wears off within a few years.  Doing it wrong tends to make audiences assume the last one -- and if your characters are stated not to be, audiences will assume it of you instead.  Again, been there.  Not fun.  Start watching out for it now.

    Said Bookisms are getting kind of out of hand.  They rarely need adverbs at all.  Not knowing your writing voice I can't say for sure, but it feels kind of like you whipped out a thesaurus to spice up the Said tags -- not that that means I don't think you know those words, but it means it doesn't feel like something you would actually say off the cuff.  The best thing you can do for that kind of thing is read it aloud.  If it feels weird, it's probably wrong.

    Hope that helps.
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    You're not even in the intended audience, DYRE. None of you are.

    And once again, nearly everyone I know loves my style. How many fucking times must I say it?

    I must be doing something right.
  • VorpyVorpy
    ☭Unstoppable Sex Goddess☭
    Chagen can you please quit announcing you are going to do something to us? All we do is remind you that you are not going to do it, and then you use that as a reason not to do it.

    Happened with Xx --- HELLFIREx|x|xCATHARSIS --- xX and with the other fic you were going to write that I forgot about...and perhaps even this.
  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-04-25 23:43:12
    [tɕagɛn]
    Hellfire Catharsis is on the back-burner for now, Vorpy. I'm ironing out plotholes, getting characters finalized, and world building right now. I will pick it up again when I finish that.
  • ClockworkUniverseClockworkUniverse
    OOOooooOoOoOOoo, I'm a ghoOooOooOOOost!
    Responding to criticism by saying the critic isn't allowed to criticize your work is the single best way to be a bad writer.
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    I never said that, I'm saying that this fic isn't even intended for you guys? Why do you care if it sucks?
  • ClockworkUniverseClockworkUniverse
    edited 2011-04-25 23:44:45
    OOOooooOoOoOOoo, I'm a ghoOooOooOOOost!
    Because you posted it and said you could use some critique.
  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-04-25 23:45:35
    [tɕagɛn]
    Fine. Then I'm wrong.

    But this is my signature style, and my humor has been praised endlessly. Nearly everyone I know loves my style and humor. I can't stop it now when it defines who I am.
  • CommandoDudeCommandoDude
    CRIMINAL SCUM!
    I'm glad I can actually say that I have finished my fanfic.

    I think.

    There's an opening for an epilogue I guess.

    It's K-On if anyone was going to ask.
  • BeeBee
    edited 2011-04-25 23:47:46
    I never said that, I'm saying that this fic isn't even intended for you guys? Why do you care if it sucks?

    Me?  Because I actually used to write that way about seven years ago.  Thank God for theater pulling me out of it.
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Whatever, people.

    I'd rather write in my own original style than use some cookie-cutter bullshit. I don't follow trends, I break them. I don't follow the rules, I twist them into something much more interesting.


  • DYREDYRE
    edited 2011-04-25 23:50:21
    @Chagen's last post on the previous page: Because you're asking for advice here.

    Though, I was ninja'd since I didn't know there was another page...

    ^ If you say so...
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    All I got was an endless stream of criticism of a style I've had since I was fucking seven and one that people normally love.
  • DYREDYRE
    I can't think of a single seven-year-old that is a good writer, so perhaps you should take that into account.
  • ClockworkUniverseClockworkUniverse
    OOOooooOoOoOOoo, I'm a ghoOooOooOOOost!
    a style I've had since I was fucking seven


    That's...not a point in its favor. Nobody can write well at seven.
  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-04-25 23:53:13
    [tɕagɛn]
    But I've had it and worked on it since then. I was already known for my humor at seven, now I'm pratically a walking stand-up comedian with the ways I make people laugh.
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