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I feel defiled [NSFW, trigger warnings]
It could have happened to anyone, I guess, but I'm sure people will say that I was asking for it. "He was wearing a Buy More T-shirt from Chuck," they'll say. "What red-blooded digital distribution service couldn't take advantage of that?" I know, it's silly, but I never asked for this. A man should be able to wear a T-shirt from a popular TV show without getting... getting...
It happened a few days ago. I was sitting in my room - my own home, dammit - when all of a sudden I heard this voice.
"Sure is a nice little wallet you've got there," it whispered. "It'd be a shame if anything happened to it..."
I blushed modestly and tried to recover. "Mr. Newell," I said. "I didn't know you were in town."
"Oh, I am, and I've got a summer sale on Steam. I'd like to see you there... Maybe I'll take you."
I felt something large and meaty slide into my wallet, and I gasped. "No... stop!"
"You like it, don't you boy?" Gabe Newell whispered. His fingers tightened around my wallet, and I tried to escape but he was so strong... TOO strong for a young gamer like me to resist. "All them deals waiting for you..."
"I don't want this!" I wanted to yell, but something prevented me from saying it. I think I knew, deep down, that if I tried to scream he'd take down Steam, and some part of me wanted it. God, I feel like such a whore.
What followed was six hours of torture, as Gabe Newell's meaty fingers shoved deep inside my wallet, then thrust games into my library. I feel awful for saying it, but they were the best games of my life, and that somehow makes it worse.
Finally, Gabe's fingers slipped out of my now empty wallet and wiped across my monitor. "You're done, kid," he said. "Go clean yourself up."
As I sobbed, he started to chuckle, and said "Oh, and kid? Half-Life 2: Episode 3 has been delayed again. Just so you know."
So that's my story. I hope that gamers everywhere will take strength from my tale. Maybe someday, if we all work together, this sort of thing won't happen in the future.
Comments
No. I love summer. Summer is one of my favorite seasons. But this sort of thing should never happen to anyone. Full stop.
Don't you DARE blame the victims of game sales! Don't you DARE!
Make fun of anything else, but game sales strip GAMERS of their HUMANITY.
You make me sick.